Ode to Seventeen
by BMWM
Summary: "A thought occurred to him, so readily that he was surprised that he hadn't thought of it sooner—here he was, seventeen years old, betrothed to a gorgeous woman he had just met who was already with (someone else's) child. This obviously meant that he could spend the next sixty years with her and he barely had to work for it." AU Crack NaruHina Deidara/Hinata Crude Sexual Humor


This is meant purely as a humorous fictional piece. It is mostly crack.

Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

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 **Ode to Seventeen**

The closet reeked of mothballs and menthol. Brightly colored, thick winter coats were forcibly smooshed to one side, a pile of shoes had been haphazardly mushed into a corner and a box of precious family photos was thrown lazily into the fray. On the top shelf the remnants of whatever had previously been on the floor, thrown there hastily and arbitrarily, attempted to drip down to the beige carpeting.

This was the pinnacle of eroticism—being cooped up in such a small space, two people, feeling the other's breath as it came in short gasps as the oxygen level declined quickly. The dizzying feeling Naruto was experiencing was certainly due to the gorgeous woman he shared this amazing passage to adulthood with and not the two cheap beers he had chugged before coming in.

Her hair smelled like daffodils, her breath was like honeysuckle and her body was on fire. Not literally, of course, but Naruto was a romantic, and Hinata was a goddess. He wanted to say something, but his tongue felt larger than his mouth. He needed water, he needed air—but the more pressing matter was that he desperately needed a snappy pick-up line. He gazed longingly into her half-lidded gray eyes, traced her ruby lips in his mind and took in her nervous mannerisms—the way her toe outlined circles in the carpet, how her shoulders slumped, how she licked her lips after every breath. He felt like the sun, floating on the water just before sunset, pinks and purples mixing with the oranges and cerulean.

A ruddy tinge spread over his scarred cheeks, blossoming desire seething in his nether regions. If only there were some way to express his feelings, some healthy way to rid himself of this carnal need. If only he were not such a gentleman, so intent on her needs—then maybe he could rid himself of his passion problems. But, alas, he was a gentleman, and they were pressed so close, it would only be rude to let her know that he desired her—sexually. She would never know his intent, and that was fine, as it was such a burden to bear.

"Are you hard?" she asked in a breathy tone. Her intonation was neutral, but what he could see in her eyes was subtle judgment.

"I just have really buff legs." She would never suspect anything, Naruto was sure of it.

Her eyes flicked downward, then back up. "That's some crazy muscle you have there."

"Specially toned," Naruto announced proudly, "Wanna make out?" Nailed it!

Hinata stared intently at him for a moment, no doubt marveling in his awesomeness. "Whatever."

And then their lips were touching and their hands were traveling, intertwining in each other's hair, fondling earlobes, prancing on the crook of their necks, patting breasts with lusting finesse. Naruto felt like he was floating to heaven, accompanied by an angel—like he was fox-trotting on sunshine, high kicks and all. It was blissful how their saliva was mingling outside of their mouths, how their tongues pretended to be afraid of the other, how their teeth gnashed against each other with cold, hard clicks. This was beautiful—a song for the ages, an epic poem to be revered by all men.

As they parted, they sloppily wiped their mouths on their sleeves. Breathing heavily staring longingly into each other's eyes—oh, woe was Naruto because this was everlasting, this surely was what love must feel like.

"I'm pregnant."

It was earth shattering. Naruto was snapped back to reality like Lucifer falling from grace. He was flabbergasted. "That's not how it works…right?" He was unsure, his school had a strict no touching policy and as such thought there was no need for formal sex education.

Hinata shook her head, her dark bangs flinging this way and that, mesmerizing Naruto. "From some other guy—Deidara. He's being an ass and won't answer my calls. I love him."

Naruto felt like the room was spinning, like his neck was constricting in on itself. She loved someone else—this was the pressing issue here. "Why…?"

"I just…I know everyone out there. It's embarrassing, they'd think so little of me. But you—I don't know you. You're safe, a little like a blanket, or a net. You're the first person I've told."

Naruto beamed—she thought so much of him. Oh, what better than to be a safety blanket? "You're so beautiful. Marry me?" That was pure rationality, that was. Nothing brash or impulsive about it.

Hinata stared at him, eyes wide and searching. A small smile tugged at her lips. Finally, finding what she was searching for, she shrugged. "If you want to."

This was it: the moment Naruto had been waiting for. Thrusting a fist into the air, smacking it painfully on the closet shelf, knocking half of the contents into the air, Naruto grinned. "Alright!"

Hinata grabbed his chin, smooshing his cheeks as she brought him closer to her, where finally their lips touched. Naruto felt a spark, which was in no way because Hinata had been rubbing her feet on the carpet. Naruto had never been happier, and, as Hinata and he touched tongues (finally!) he was sure that she was ecstatic too.

A thought occurred to him, so readily that he was surprised that he hadn't thought of it sooner—here he was, seventeen years old, betrothed to a gorgeous woman he had just met who was already with (someone else's) child. This obviously meant that he could spend the next sixty years with her and he barely had to work for it.

Who said he needed college, this plan was made by a genius!

Suddenly, they tripped, toppling into each other as they tried to find balance. Grasping the walls, the coat rack, the door knob—anything to steady their slowly falling bodies—Naruto and Hinata fell backward into the coats, displacing fuzzy fabrics and snapping hangers. Finally, Naruto thudded to the ground, his butt landing firmly on the family pictures. Hinata toppled on top of him her shirt riding up, body pressed firmly into Naruto's crotch, legs kicking out behind her.

With a sickening crack the door busted off the hinges. Naruto and Hinata beet red, still staring in disbelief at each other, covered in saw dust and a healthy layer of craft supplies, found that moving was much more difficult from their current position than it had been in their previous one.

A slow one-man clap rang out sluggish and precise. More hands came together, turning into a thunderous round of jeers and cat-calls, hoots and hollers. The entire Konoha High senior class was there to revel in their glory—embarrassment and all.

"My dad is going to kill me!" wailed Sakura, panic drifting across her face in horror at the damage to the living room closet.

Still trying to extract their limbs from each other, Naruto and Hinata fumbled gracelessly.

"And, that's seven minutes," Ino announced loudly, a wide grin on her heavily-makeuped features. She held herself in a lofty air as befitting for the Cheer Captain, ignoring the frustrated groans and mutterings from the closet. The noise died down and people began dispersing.

"Hinata!" Neji—the stoically smexy cousin—called out, anger evident in his voice. He stormed up, stomping his feet heftily on the ground, arms swinging viciously at his sides. He sent a death glare at Naruto, fuming so hard that Naruto could imagine steam boiling out from his ears. Grabbing Hinata and pulling, he was able to wrench her off Naruto and into a standing positon.

"Thanks," Naruto said, clambering into a standing position.

"Did you cum in your pants?" Neji asked, staring in horror at Naruto's denims.

Naruto grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Hi, I'm Naruto," he said offering his hand to Neji. What better way to meet family than at a Homecoming party for a school he didn't go to?

To say the least, Neji was not impressed. "Let's go Hinata."

Naruto stared longingly into Hinata's eyes, begging her silently to stay there with him. His azure eyes spoke volumes—visions of Romeo and Juliet danced through his mind. He imagined himself tall, proud, riding a white horse, sword in hand. Then he thought of sugar plums because he was beginning to get the beer munchies.

Hinata must have been moved by his determined stare, must have felt a stirring in her bosom, because she hadn't moved. Neji was getting impatient, huffing and puffing and threatening to blow her house down. With an annoyed glance at Neji, Hinata spun dramatically into Naruto's arms, caressing the peach fuzz on his chin.

"No!" She cried, rolling her fingers down to Naruto's Adam's apple, massaging the bump in a sensual manner, "I'm having his baby and I'm marrying him!" So there.

Neji gaped incredulously at Naruto, then to Hinata. Finally, "What?"

"Stop talking!" Hinata cried, "You can't talk me out of it. I've made my decision."

Neji shook his head in disbelief, long hair drifting aimlessly as he did so. "Are you drunk?"

"Leave us be!" Hinata waved a hand dismally in his general direction, her nose upturned and eyes closed haughtily.

"Whatever," Neji scoffed, stalking off muttering about women and moon cycles.

Hinata wrapped herself into Naruto's arms, gazing longingly up his nose. "So, your first name is Naruto, right? What's your last name?"

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What do you guys think? Will Naruto regret his actions? Is Hinata really going to dump Deidara? Did Neji Implode? Any thoughts on how this whole thing is going to work out? Love it? Hate it? Don't hesitate to comment!


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